Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Down for the count

Sunday was a tough day for me.

I was down for the count, and not sure I wanted to get back up.

I'll go back a few days-
Friday the 16th I got my port placement.    So get to NKCH and get all prepped for my peeps in Interventional to get this thing in me-left side with an IJ stick.  IJ is internal jugular.  One of my fave Rads-Dr Waltner-who always smells so nice BTW-was the doc who did it, and of course my awesome bestie Carissa was there and Shana RN knocked me out while Heather scrubbed and Laura was the sono tech telling them where to go in my anatomy.
I was awake.  Ok, not really.  I felt like I was awake the whole time, only to be informed I was so schnokered that I would randomly wake up and partake in the conversation around me for like 2 minutes, only to fall back asleep and begin snoring again.  So when it was all done and over, I thought I had only been back there for 20 min TOPS, ummm, yeah, it was just shy of 2 hours!  Oh well, what can I say-I like my drugs!  So, low profile port in my left chest-to the inside of where my bra strap lies and outside of the view of a v-neck shirt.  Thanks Carissa for guiding Dr W on that!  Oh, and Dr W had talked to Dr Failing, and  I was able to have my left drain pulled that day also after my port placement!  Home we went where I slept all afternoon!
This is my port.  The bruised area at the top is on my neck, just above my collar bone where I was stuck, and the port is the small raised area under the purply shiny skin-it's just the dermabond holding the incision together-not a bruise.


Funny comment made to us at hospital. Picture me being wheeled out of holding in my wheelchair by a nurse, and Brian following behind in his immobilizer sling. Well, we must look like quite a pair because a Cardiologist at the desk took one look at us and asked out loud "Who's driving?"
Yeah-the drugged up patient or the dude in the sling? Quite a sight we are, quite a sight....

Now for some graphic pics-if you have a queasy stomach, keep scrolling down.  Though these don't really look bad, they are of my drain and drain sites.  Not pretty, but depict a pretty good picture of what breast cancer patients go through, and have to look at for the rest of our lives.  Looking at these in the mirror are tough, even tougher when you realize they are on your own body.
This is what my left drain looked like.  This is about 4 fingers width under my left arm pit. 
I had two of these on my right side.
Below pic is the whole JP Drain contraption.  Fancy huh?



Some of my scars.  The two red 'holes' are where the drains were on my right side-under my arm pit.
The steri-strips you see above them are covering the scar where my right boob used to be that extends into my arm pit.  My skin did not like all the tape and adhesive, and actually looks much better than this now!

Saturday was a pretty good day-Hailey was gone all weekend for a VB tourney in Topeka-1st place in Flight-not too shabby!   Parker had a couple of basketball games that afternoon.  It was a nice day, but really windy.  Mom had come up to stay with us again over the weekend-a HUGE help, and since Ethan was kind of being a butthead, Brian and I took P to his afternoon game.  They lost, but only by 4 points-it was tough game.  Parker was pretty bummed, as he didn't get to play much at all, and it was the last game.  We tried to cheer him up, but he was upset and I could tell.  Now last week was the kid's spring break, and for all the great plans I had for us, none really panned out.  The kids hung around home most of the week, especially P.  My Mom, sister-Kim and Step-Mom Teresa all came over Saturday night and we attempted to scrapbook-yeah, my Mom got 2 pages done-nobody else did anything but talk.  I did, however, start on Ethan's 8th b-day party decorations I'm making.  Here's a hint : think "Under the Big Top".
By the time everyone left, Parker had been upstairs in his room for a while by himself.  When I headed into his room to say goodnight to him, I heard him crying.  Now he's a 12 year old boy, and though my emotional child definitely, not a crier by nature.  In talking to him for a while, he broke my heart.

Parker: "Mom, tomorrow is the last day of Spring Break and we didn't get to do much.  I know it's cause you and dad are sick and had lots of appointments, but I'm sad.  And I know that's selfish to feel that way"

Did I say broke my heart?  Ripped it out, tore it in pieces and stomped on it. Instead of being angry, like he has every right too, he felt selfish for feeling that way.  Stomp on my heart some more.

Me: "Buddy, I'm soooo sorry we didn't get to do much this week.  I will make it up to you, I promise.  Next weekend-Friday night you can have Dad and me all to yourself-you pick the movie-we're going.  And Saturday, as long as the weather is nice-to the Zoo we go!  Then Sunday we have the CHD Picnic, and a Fundraiser for a Police family.  Fun, Fun.  Promise!"

Now my older kids have always had their lives dictated by one cute, little, orney bald kid. 
And they never complain.
Ever.
But Parker always gets the short end of the stick. 
And then I knew what was coming next
Parker : "Mom, Dad and I aren't going to be able to go fishing in Canada are we?"

My heart was picked up of the ground and then thrown out the window at this point.
Brian had plans to take Parker on a fishing trip with our friends  the Williams who were taking their boys also.  Trip has been planned since before Christmas.  Deposits paid.  But Brian and I had already been talking about the possibility of them cancelling because he wasn't comfortable leaving me home during chemo with Hailey and Ethan, and the financial burden if I'm out of work  this whole time. Though nothing had been finalized yet, and I was still racking my brain for a way to get them to Canada.
But Parker knew.  Don't kid yourself.  Kids always know.

Me: "Probably not going to be able to this year bud"

P's eyes welled up with tears and we just sat there and hugged each other and cried for a little bit.  Then he asked.
Parker:  "Mom, are you going to die from this?"

My heart that had just sailed out the window hit the ground and just shattered into a bazillion more pieces and THEN got run over by a car.

Me: "NO.  This cancer will not kill me!  I mean that buddy.  It's just a bump in the road.  It's just some more crap we got handed and we will make it through this.  You hear me?  I will beat this.  Why?  Cause I have all of you to help me.  To make me happy, and make me smile, and not let this get me down.  Buddy, what happens when life hands us lemons?  (one of our family sayings)
Parker: "WE MAKE LEMONADE!!!"
ok, my version lately is something more along the lines of "get out the Tequila and salt...." but not appropriate for the 12 year old. 
Me:  "Absolutely right buddy!  And lemonade we will make outta this!"

We hugged some more, which helped put my heart back together a little, but I know when I left his room, he was still so sad.

So onto Sunday.
Down. and. Out.
Didn't sleep well Saturday night.  More tightness in and around my chest.  Area where left drain had come out was still sore and hard to sleep on.  Lots of phantom pain-for my breast feeding moms-it feels like when your milk comes in each time-that odd, tingling sensation-only worse-cause there's no boobs there.  Wind blowing like crazy and my blinds making all kinds of racket. Oh, and my mind was racing  ninety to nothing.
 I was beat.  This had beaten me. 
I have been 'on' since day one of this shit diagnosis and all the bs that has come with it.
I ached.  All over.  My body ached, my head ached, my heart ached more than anything. 
I couldn't be 'on' anymore. 
At least not on Sunday.

So I wasn't.  I slept in, ate bacon and toast and yogurt for breakfast, but had ice cream for lunch.
I watched brainless movies with my boys while my Mom and Brian went to the store.
I thought about nothing.

It really felt ok.

Then my day got better. 
Our awesome friends the Williams-mentioned above-Brian and Colette and boys-are taking Parker with them to Canada on the fishing trip and Brian is staying here with me. 
Parker's face lit up the room!  My heart was so happy to have such fabulous friends who would do that for us, it makes me cry even typing it.  I love you guys!

More good news.  We received a phone call from a Lenexa PD Sgt.  We had been nominated to be the recipients of the 2012 Guns and Hoses Motorcyle Ride in June, and she was calling to tell us our story had inspired her, and once she read it-there was no question.   All proceeds from the ride will be given to our family to help offset the financial burden of me not working and Brian being on limited duty til mid-May and not being able to work off-duty to make up the money lost.  Woo-hoo!  We are so blessed to have awesome friends who nominated us for this-thank you Andrea and Troy! 
I have been corresponding with Sgt Mendoza and she will have our info up on the website soon!  Check it out, the organization is a great one that helps out Police and Fire families.  And if you ride-please join us! 
http://kcgunsnhosesride.com/
It's a 70 mile Police escorted ride that starts in Lenexa, and ends at Worth Harley Davidson.

And a special gift came to me.  Another police family who has dealt with this cancer crap for far too long, sent me a book.  Cancer 101 by Jackie Malena.  I have never met Jackie in person-but do know her husband Joe-KCPD officer, and met her adorable little girls on a few occasions.  She is a true fighter and I have followed her battle for a few years.  She always prevails.  You can never count this girl out, and she's been kicking cancer's ass for too long.  And in the midst of her fight she thought of me, and sent me her book with a nice handwritten note inside.  Thank you Malena Family.  Thank you.

So I may have been down for the count on Sunday.

But I'm not out.

I'm back 'on' baby. ON.

ps-my husband  is finally able to sleep in our bed again, after a month of sleeping in a recliner in our living room with his crazy, uncomfortable sling on!  And though at one time I used to want to put a pillow over his head to stifle the snoring, I'm kinda comforted by it tonight.

2 comments:

  1. Kari, you have such a way with words and storytelling. You are such a strong woman and I would be proud to call you my big sister. I love you lots and think of you guys all the time. You can count on me to bring the tequila and salt for the kickass lemonade! Oh, and I'm gonna have no hair for Kates wedding either as I am a shavee for the 2012 Shave to Save event. I've been raising money for the Hope Lodge in KC. So, May 14, my head is gonna feel the breeze :)
    Love you Kari
    Maggie

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  2. It is only natural that it finally caught up with you! You are doing great!!

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